By Mo Bradford
- Sometimes,
- I feel like I’m trapped inside of insecurity.
- Insecurity created by fear of misunderstanding and being misunderstood,
- fear of not knowing and being irrelevant,
- fear of naivety undermining my belief.
This trap makes me feel hollow.
Yet, I am so full of life and tenderness!
I am full of love and joy which I have witnessed and earned!
But still, I am so often drawn to the comfort of stability.
- I hope and pray for my own understanding, wholeness not emptiness,
- security, not balance,
- so that I can move freely between the depths and the surface,
- between community and solitude.
I wrote this poem while reflecting on the experience of growing further from home. I grew up with little means, and the encouragement I received from home was to leave, to go and do better things. But as a person concerned about unjust suffering, I am constantly looking back. The gap in between where I’ve come from and where I’m at has been a source of tension and insecurity. I have pride in expressing love for those who are in need, yet I have a feeling of separation from roots in need of care. I have love for where I’m at, yet this context feels suspended. Rationalizing these feelings often looks like striking life’s perfect balance, but this balance feels fragile.
This poem represents the internal struggles that exist when this fragility is under examination. It serves as a reminder to be cognizant of the complexities and trade-offs of experiencing life like you never have before, while changing into someone that you’ve never known. There is so much fear associated with making bad decisions; there are so many choices we make to maintain balance the best we can. But what we really want is security and the freedom to navigate life as we please.
So the question becomes: how do I grow from here? As I contemplate this more and more, I am encouraged to return home to mend what’s broken, to cultivate a more fruitful tree, and to discover liberation.
Mo Bradford (he/him) is a lover of people! If you see him contemplating, he is likely thinking about how cruddy existing civic networks are and what can be done to improve their use and reach. Otherwise, he’s thinking about the next time he can watch a dramatic comedy movie, play a strategic board game, or the next time he can go fishing.